Welcome to a medieval fantasy world with magic, monsters, dragons – all that shit. Outside of the big city was a village; which was usually busy with trade. With a constant flow of traffic, there were many new and unfamiliar faces stopping by. This was the perfect protection; for one local trouble maker. Meet The Tavern Bastard.

The trouble maker was 20 years of age. His father left when he was a teenager, most likely to the big city to get away from his nagging wife and responsibility in general. Also to make more money. Whatever. The kid turned out to be a little bastard; his only goal in life to fuck with other people. Which brings us to the giddy adventure about to unfold..


The opportune choice of mischief today was at Annie’s pub. It was a busy day, a sunny afternoon. After trade had been done, the merchants wanted to get drunk to celebrate success. The bastard nonchalantly approached. This was a window of opportunity he didn’t want to miss. He entered the pub.

A bright, cheery atmosphere greeted him. It was very loud and crowded. Musicians played music. Perverts stared at scantily clad women. Adventurers (mercenaries) ate and drank past excess. The perfect place to strike.

He went to the bar to order a mug of beer. After a few sips, he walked away, pretending to be drunk. He stumbled beside one adventurer; a fat, scraggly haired, scraggly bearded buffoon, laughing for no reason. He spilled his beer on his plate of half eaten food.

“You fucking idiot!!” the adventurer roared. The bastard pretended to be sorry, and walked away. He then proceeded to the back of the pub.

An old wizard was smoking a pipe. He had a beer on the table he was sitting at. The wizard asked the trouble maker if he could watch his beer for a few minutes. He had to take a piss. “No problem sir”, the bastard promised. The old wizard slowly walked away to do his business. He had plenty of time.

He pulled a small vial out of his pocket; a vial containing a powerful laxative. He laughed quietly to himself as he poured it into the beer. He continued sipping on his own brew, until the wizard came back. “You’re a kind young man, thank you”, he said. “Oh, I do try”, he replied stifling his laughter of what was to come. He walked away, scanning the room for other people to fuck with.

Minutes later, the old wizard looked panicked. “What the fuck!??” he shouted in disbelief. “This can’t be! Mischief! Fuck! Ohhhhh nooooooooo!” The wizard shit himself, everywhere. Everyone in the tavern burst out laughing. The wizard was angry at everyone. “You’ll regret this”, he grumbled as he walked out of the tavern. The bastard had a good laugh too. Well. On to the next victim.

He noticed one of the perverts eyeing this one woman. She didn’t quite look like a prostitute, but looked easy. She accidentally dropped some coins on the ground. Her friends were in the washroom. Now’s his chance. He slipped in a couple drops of love potion in her drink; enough for five minutes.

He quickly went up to the pervert. He was overweight, had a black, scraggly beard, and long unkempt hair. Another hero.

“Hey, I think she’s into you”, the bastard whispered in his ear. “Get the fuck out of here!”, he yelled at him, assuming he was joking. “No, I’m not kidding. Look at her again”. She was staring at him with newfound lust, not there moments ago. She approached him. “Hey big guy, I’ve got a room over there” (she pointed across the hall, close to the tables). “Lets go lassy” he grunted piggishly. After five minutes passed, she yelled “Who the fuck are you????? Ewwwwwww! Gross!!” She opened the door to the room and threw him out naked; his dick hanging out for all to see. He rolled as he fell on the tavern floor. Another object of mockery.

Again the bar was alive with laughter at a victims expense. “Hey! Stop laughing at me!!” He roared, only to be met with louder mockery. “You’ll pay for this. All of you!” One mercenary grabbed him, and said “Okay, that’s enough buddy. Time to go”. He threw him out of the tavern onto the street. “Fuck you all!!!” he cursed one last time. Still naked, he waddled to the nearest alleyway away from prying eyes, to be left alone in shame.

The bastard needed to lay low for now. He ordered another mug of beer. After he finished, he noticed one of the musicians having trouble with his mandolin. He had an idea. The bastard wasn’t an expert at magic, but knew enough to reach his goals without getting caught. He whispered an incantation, and the notes produced on the mandolin were scattered incoherently. The musician started fucking up really badly.

Again, people started laughing. This time at the musician. The fiddle player looked at him with cold anger. “Asshole! What the fuck are you doing??” The mandolin player replied “I’m trying! The notes won’t come out right. It must be magic”. The fiddle player rolled his eyes. “You must be fucked in the head. Stop screwing around! You’re making us look like idiots!”

People were no longer laughing at them, they were starting to get pissed off. “What happened to you guys? You fuckin’ suck!” One drunk at the bar proclaimed. A patron at the table threw a piece of bread at them. “Play good or get the fuck out of here!!” He barked. Now the whole tavern was booing them.

The musicians packed their instruments and ran out in shame, while the crowd threw food at them.
The bastard began to grow bored, so he pounded back one last mug of beer and left.

In the centre of the town was a big, bald man speaking to the crowd in a commanding voice. He was a bard, telling a heroic story. The bastard couldn’t resist.

“That was the day the hero rescued this village, and slayed the mighty dragon! It plagued this world no more”, the bard said as he waved his hand across the crowd. The bastard whispered a chant – a terrible chant that would curse the victim with temporary tourette syndrome.

“The hero then gave his blessing, and left for the royal palace at once. He knelt in front of the queen, and said – Cunt!!” The Bard covered his mouth in shock, not knowing why he spoke such a wonderful word. He cleared his throat. “Erruhhmm, that is what I meant to say, was BITCH!! FAGGOT!! CUNTHOLE!!” Everyone at the town square was giggling and smirking at the famous bard. The bard started sweating profusely. His face reddened in shame. “My apologies, I do not seem well”. He cleared his throat once again. “Moving on. He knelt before the queen, and pledged I WILL NOT REST UNTIL I FUCK YOU IN THE ASS!!” The crowd roared in laughter uncontrollably, half of them falling over on their sides from the exertion.

“Why, why is this happening??” The bard muttered to himself. He looked around for a sign, any sign of nefarious foul play. He saw the trouble maker was laughing the hardest. “You! You there! Did you do this to me??? - FUCK!! SYRUP!! BITCHES!! CUM RAG!! VULVA!!!”

The crowd continued falling over hysterically, red in their faces, losing oxygen from such a magnificent show. The bard discovered what had happened. “You bastard! I’m gonna make you pay!!”

The bard attempted to chase the trouble maker across town; yet his weight was against him. “You fucking little shit I’m gonna catch you! You won’t escape!!” The bastard laughed as he outran his bald, overweight, would-be assailant. The bard couldn’t gain any ground. “Get back here! Shithead!! Fucker!! You’re going to be sorry!! ” He ran down a network of alleyways, far beyond the reach of the disgraced bard.

He eventually found a safe alley where he could rest and catch his breath. That day was marked a great success for the infamous Tavern Bastard.



Chapter 2: Mischief and Strangers

The bastard awoke with giddy amusement. He continued to giggle like a little girl; irrespective of his concerned roommates now staring at him intently. They just couldn’t understand. Soon after, The Bastard was clean shaven, washed and dressed. He had a lot of work to do.

He waited until his roommates left the house they were all renting, then walked up to the mirror in the hallway. He chanted a short spell.

His face became distorted, morphing into something terrifying. He now had the appearance of an old man, with a long white beard. Perfect, He thought to himself. His entire body was infused with illusion magic, which would trick almost anyone. This was one of the few spells he excelled in.

The Bastard grabbed a tall walking stick, and away he went.

He marched down the street toward the town square with his staff. He strode in great strides; his presence inspiring courage, purpose and dignity. He walked up to the empty concert stage, then climbed the stairs. He stood at the edge of the stage, facing the crowd; approximately ten feet above the passerby's moving to-and-fro.

“Behold!” he yelled. He stood, holding the staff with his right hand; with his left, he waved towards the people. “Do you want to see some fucking candy!!??” he psychotically announced.

The Bastard dropped his staff, then dropped his pants; his waist down to his knees fully exposed. He quickly pulled them back up. He grabbed his staff and ran down the platform stairs; moving as fast as an athlete. He still appeared as an old man to the horrified bystanders. The Bastard dashed down the street to his left.

He navigated through yet another network of alleyways, trying to shake off the small group of furious bystanders that started chasing him. Soon, a few knights arrived at the chase as well.