In the wonderful land of Magoria, where enchanted creatures roamed freely and spells were as common as penguins fucking, there lived a wizard named Barny. With a long, flowing beard and a devious twinkle in his eyes, Barny was renowned throughout the kingdom for his magical abilities—and his knack for getting himself into comical situations.

One fine morning, Barny stumbled through an enchanting forest. His trusted familiar, a vulgar pixie named Twig, flitted around him, casting sparks of light with every flutter of her wings. They were on a quest, or rather, a personal errand to collect the rare and mystical substance known as "Star Powder" for one of Barny's experimental narcotics.

"Twig, my beautiful graceful bitch," Barny said, stroking his beard thoughtfully. "We must journey to the Valley of Desire. There, amidst the shimmering plants and luminescent creatures, lies the wonderful stuff we need."

Twig giggled, her voice tinkling like tiny bells. "Oh, Barny, you crazy wonderful fucker! I hope we encounter some delightful creatures along the way." (Hopefully hung like a giants), she giggled to herself perversely.

They made their way through the forest, passing by glistening waterfalls and old trees that watched them with envy.

“You lucky fucking bastards”, one tree said among the other other trees. Only trees could talk with each other, with no one else hearing of course.

“That’s right. Walk. Move. I’ll just stay here and grow old as fuck! Watch me! Fuck you”..
“That’s quite enough out of you, Gilby” the mother tree responded.

“They happened to be blessed with the ability to move, yet have short lives. Enjoy what we are given”, she counselled.

Gilby growled with disgust. “Easy for you to say; you hog up all the sunlight and grow bigger than the rest of us. I’m disappointed you haven’t collapsed after so much excessive weight”.

“Gilby! That’s enough! Next drought that happens I know who’s getting less water”..

Gilby, annoyed even further, grunted “Drop dead you fucking cow”.

As they arrived at the Valley of Desire, the air shimmered with brilliant magical energy. Exotic flora and fauna surrounded them, pulsing in vibrant hues. But little did they know, they were not alone in their want for mystical powder.

Suddenly, a loud, high pitched nervous voice broke from behind a glowing patch of shrubberies. 

"Hey! Fuck off! Who dares to take my shit which is mine??"

Barny and Twig turned to the source of the voice, finding themselves facing an Elf. Very questionable. He was definitely an Elf, yet he seemed.. off.. He had unkempt, wavy white hair, with crazy energetic eyes that darted back and forth, as if waiting for the perfect moment to strike. 

This kind of behavior was different from the usual drunks Barny dealt with at the bar. This was something else..

Barny pressed forward, adjusting his robe. "Fear not, fair Elf. I am Barny the Magnificent; I am not here to take your shit”.

The Elf squinted at Barny suspiciously, his hyper adolescent voice filled with doubt. 

"No? Why are you here than? It must be! The powder you seek!”

The elf gripped his nose from side to side and inhaled sharply.

“Fuck off!” he demanded.

Barny raised his hand in an attempt to calm him. 

“Okay. I will bullshit you no further. We have come for the powder”.

The elf pointed at Barny, his paranoia vindicated. 

“See! I knew! I knew YOU! All along bullshitting like fucking hypocrites! Fuck! Time to FUCK OFF, back to whence you came” he giggled as he began an enchantment.

The Elf grinned, assuming victory. “Not so fast dickhead”, Twig chimed. “I anticipated your ill gotten cuntery, and have countered! Be one with the trees, never to sniff again!!”

“NOOOOOO!!” the Elf screamed, as his miserable state of existence became something slightly more meaningful.

The Elf was transported among the envious trees, morphing into a young tree. His face was frozen in the bark, grimaced in irritation at his new form of existence.

“Wow! Well done Twig! You’ve outdone yourself” Barny praised.

Twig, clearly impressed with herself, responded humbly “It was nothing. He was fucked. I, am not. Which is becoming a problem.. Come on, lets find that powder you’re looking for so we can get the fuck out of here! I’m Horny!” she complained.

Barny chucked. “Yes! Right away!”, he announced as he led the way toward where the Elf was originally hiding.

They inspected the glowing shrubbery where the Elf encountered them. Besides the glowing vegetation, all seemed normal. Until Barny accidentally stepped on a trigger which opened a secret door beneath the ground, with a ladder leading down to the cellar.

“Whoahoho, this is exciting!” Barny exclaimed. “That shifty little bastard must have been hiding something great! Let’s take his shit” he declared casually.

Twig laughed as well. “Maybe we’ll find something big; like a cock!” she mused.

“That’ll be enough of that, perv” Barny chastised, waving his hand in dismissal.
They ventured down to the cellar, which expanded into a long corridor on either side. They seemed to be in the middle of it.

They spent some time exploring, stuffing items of interest in the large burlap sack Barny carried as if he was medieval Santa Claus. Except instead of giving presents; he would take them instead. He didn’t feel any shame for it either.

As time went on, Barny grew more and more impatient to the point of losing sanity.

“Where’s my powder?? Where’s my powder?? Where’s my powder?? Where’s my powder??” he began chanting in his desperate search.

Toward the end of the corridor to the left was a shelf with a black, satin bag the size of a coin purse placed on top. It caught Twigs’ attention.

“Barny! This has a rather interesting, unique smell!” she proclaimed.
Barny sniffed once. Then again. 

“Funny, I don’t smell fuck all."

Twig rolled her eyes. “My nose is more sensitive, dumb ass! I’m sure that its this."

Beneath the table the bag was perched on, was a stack of 20 flour sized black satin bags containing the same substance.

Barny reverently pulled the string to the small bag on the table, exposing its contents.
Sure enough, white powder flowed softly out of the bag.

“Fuck me, its here!” Barny shouted with joy.

“Well, Since I’m here, might as well-” He stopped mid sentence to partake of the mystical Star Powder. It was everything he had read about – and hoped for.

“Holy fuck!” he expressed. “It’s the real deal; this is the shit! Let’s bring two bags!”

Twig contently followed the old wizard, barely able to carry the weight of the near overflowing bag of stolen powder.

“I’ll set a protective seal on this place so that we can come back later” she suggested.
Barny was starting to get really high. 

“YES! WONDERFUL IDEA! DO IT!! Hehehe” he anxiously replied.

Twig ignored him, trusting his instinct to override potential paranoid delusion.

They began making their way back from the direction they came from. Barny, still enjoying the fruits of his stolen labour, continued his drug enhanced stroll through the wilderness. 

They passed by some of the envious trees.

Trapped in position, the bark 5 feet from the trunk revealed a familiar face.
Barny laughed maniacally at the now helpless face that once threatened him.

“Do I look familiar, you stupid fucking tree!! Look what I found!”

Barny carelessly tossed the big bag on the ground, showing what he had taken.

“Not a bad haul, yes?? YES!!?? Whoa, hahaha” he taunted, sniffing.

“Don’t look at me like that; I won’t leave you here empty handed” he quietly laughed to himself. He undid his robe, and started pissing on the tree.

“Barny! That’s enough!” snapped Twig. “Handle your shit! Finish peeing and lets get the fuck out of here” she urged.

Barny continued to laugh as he peed. After shaking off the last drop he sharply turned away to stride, never looking back.

As they continued on, Barney started to become more and more paranoid.

“Fuck! What was that!?” he gasped, hiding behind a small tree in a pathetic attempt to conceal himself. He was still carrying the massive bag of stolen loot.

Twig shook her head. “You’re not hiding very well. Even though there’s no one there” she sighed.

Barney, unconvinced, darted his head back and forth, sharply from side to side.
“They’re coming for the powder, twig. I can feel it”.

Twig’s patience started to gradually decline. Then she decided she might as well have fun while Barny was still fucked.

Twig intentionally twitched her ears. “Barny? I think I hear something up ahead. You might be right."

Barny started to sweat, his eyes wide with terror and adrenaline.

“See! I’m NOT fucked! It’s you! Where would you be without me you perverted sparkling twat!”

“Silence!” Twig shouted in whisper. They froze there, every second an hour in this time of fear and tension. Twig twitched her ears again.

“BANDITS!! RUN!!!!” Twig shrieked.

“COCKSUCCCKKKEEERR!!!” Barny roared, the weight of the bag holding him down as he pathetically attempted to run from the non-existent threat.

Twig fell to the ground laughing hysterically, rolling as she couldn’t contain herself any longer. Barny eventually stopped ‘running’, realizing he had been tricked. As he made his way back in a grumpy, defeated state, he simply growled at her, calling her a cunt. Barney refused to speak to her for the rest of the journey back.

They finally made their arrival at Commerce Town, known for its obvious implications. They went to the slums to find an inn, where questions of their loot would not be asked.
After dropping the bag on the bed, Barny grabbed the small bag still half full of its original contents. He had sobered up since then.

“Twig! Go get laid. I require ale, gambling, and celebration. It’s been to long since I’ve been a hedonistic fucking idiot” he stated bluntly.

Twig shook her head. “Don’t get into too much trouble. You are right though, I’m going to go find someone. Big.” she muttered.

Barny nodded with approval. The two went their separate ways, celebrating their great success.

Months later, after careful dedicated study, Barny had discovered the secret of synthesizing Star Powder. He named it ‘Wizard’s Coke’. He shared the profits with Twig 50/50, becoming wealthy enough to indulge many pleasures. They still remained friends, despite their varied interests and opportunity to pursue them at length.

Every now and again they went on quests together; continuing their alliance in an indecent, vulgar friendship.